Lesson: Leaders don't always have solutions, but they know where to find them.

One mistake that strong, confident leaders can make is assuming they have the best solution for every situation. In the story below, I knew immediately I had NO solution, but that I needed to find one.

The Story:

Several years ago, I had an employee lose a parent and a child in a very tragic accident. It was just after school let out for the summer. The employee’s mother had taken her young son overseas on vacation, so the employee could work during the summer and not have to worry about childcare. Within 48 hours of her mother and son leaving the US, they passed away.

As you would imagine, the employee took time away from work, but decided to come back after nearly two months.

While I'm no genius, I was smart enough to know that I needed help in supporting the employee's return and making it as comfortable as possible for the other team members. Figuring I would get the support of my company's Human Resources department, I reached to them.

How did we handle this situation?

Do we mention it, pretend it never happened?

Should her peers bring it up, offer condolences?

Should we just go about our business?

What do we need to watch for- would a customer bringing in his or her young son be a trigger for this employee?

I had never lead a team through such a thing before. I had been a manager at Tiffany on 9/11, but this was deeply personal. The tragedy was too close.

To my surprise, the company's HR offered no help. I asked specifically about EAP (Employee Assistance Program)- a support network for the company's employees for a whole slew of circumstances. I was told by HR not to reach out on this issue. That is was best we stay out of it and simply manage the employee's performance.

While I was dismayed, I tried to cast that emotion aside. An effective leader sets the tone and sets expectations for his or her team. With the employee coming back, I needed support. Whether I was right or wrong...she is a person, and she needed help.

Heck, I NEEDED HELP, and I needed to help my team.

So.... I reached out to EAP over the objection of Human Resources. They spent 2 hours with me on the phone guiding me. They reviewed material they had about helping people deal with the loss of a parent, and the loss of a child. They reviewed how to most effectively prepare the team and the returning employee. Then they sent me all the materials in printed form overnight. I could not have been happier. When I hung up the phone, I would not have cared if I'd been fired for reaching out to them- I was doing the right thing as a human being and as a leader.

What did we do?

Several days before the employee returned, I held a meeting with the rest of my team and reviewed the materials.

I shared the pamphlets with them. I also let them know that there was a virtual certainty that we would "screw up". Someone would, unintentionally, say something that didn't land right. I gave them comfort in telling them to expect that, and to know that as their leader, I would work through whatever happened.

I also learned something important in that meeting; that people take comfort in something physical in times of uncertainty/tragedy. While the information in the pamphlets was great, psychologically the team equally found solace in simply being able to "hold a solution" in their hands. They carried those pamphlets for days.

Upon her return, I did the same thing with the employee. As with the rest of the team, I reviewed the pamphlets and I let her know that we might screw up somewhere. I told her that no matter what, she needed to come and talk to me if something happened, or something was said that impacted her. She promised she would and thanked me for the support.

A couple of weeks later, she came back to let me know how great the team has been, how much she looks forward to coming to work as there were too many sad memories when she gets home at night, and how her job gives her purpose. I knew I had done the right thing, and that felt great.

The Lesson:

Often, we encounter obstacles for the first time and we are paralyzed. All I did was think this: I'm going through this for the first time. Who has dealt with this a LOT of times and can give me some confidence, some tools, and some direction? When I hit a wall with my own HR, and despite their guidance not to, I went to EAP and they offered me a solution.

Keep in mind...I'm not advocating going around the guidance of your HR, but sometimes you have to ask for forgiveness and not permission.

True leaders recognize when a problem is bigger or more complex than they are capable of solving, and they get help from someone who has encountered and solved the problem before.